On a Lighter Note

Well actually not that light … that is the point.

OK so I may have put on a little weight. I don’t see how. I have formulated a diet based on an extensive use of Google to come up with the diet I was most likely to stick to. And I feel I have, yet it seems not to have worked. Now I have no experience of Weight Watchers or any related schemes, so maybe I am doing something wrong, so if any of you do have and can tell me where I am going wrong I would appreciate it πŸ™‚

The principles I have been adhering to are as follows:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Carrot cake is a vegetable and counts as one of your 5 a day.

8. Cookie pieces contain no fat– the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

9. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

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13 Responses to On a Lighter Note

  1. thebroadbroad says:

    Lol, I luv this post, it’s so funny! How I wish all of those were true… if, in all seriousness, you’re looking for someone’s experiences with Weight Watchers, feel free to check out my blog: thebroadbroad.wordpress.com. I started about four weeks ago. πŸ™‚

  2. Mr Geek says:

    thebroadbroad: Although I am unlikely to actually go to meetings, I am going to have to address my weight. I usually just up the exercise, but I am getting older now and it seems to be less effective (as well as being time consuming, a problem I failed to notice before having kids πŸ™‚ ).
    This was a sign that a friend had on her cupboard at university that I thought I would share, and I too so wish it were true 😦

  3. Elena says:

    They all look right to me!

    #7 is a highly used guideline in our house. Pretty much any kind of pie counts as being good for you. Like pumpkin pie, I mean, do you know how much vitamin A that stuff has? Plus it has eggs AND a vegetable. It is definitely a balanced meal unto itself. And apple pie. Well, that’s fruit, and everyone knows that you should eat lots of fruit. Just common sense.

  4. Mr Geek says:

    Elena: Absolutely, I believe that an Apple (Pie) a day keeps the Doctor Away πŸ™‚

  5. RC says:

    I have to get back to my calorie-counting, too, since it is so easy and works so well. I just let it fall apart after our big vacation and the holidays.

    How about the food you nibble on while feeding the little one/ones? That shouldn’t count, right?

  6. Daisy says:

    That is hilarious! I love it! Wow.

    If you’re serious about finding a way, take a look at my other blog (Cut and Paste the word Fitness in place of Answer) where there are some posts I wrote about how I changed my life around. I haven’t kept that blog updated lately though.

    Daisy

  7. ROFL okay, now I see how this diet matches mine. I will keep these rules handy!

  8. mrsvierkant says:

    I’m on the seefood diet. I see food and I eat it. πŸ™‚ Oldie, but a goodie. Thanks for the giggles.

  9. Mr Geek says:

    RC: I start off with every intention of being good, and then look to see that I have absent-mindedly eaten [insert random calorie laden foodstuff here] without it actually occurring to me that I shouldn’t! I am not deliberately being naught … my subconscious is rebelling against me!
    I think that your question is covered by an amendment to rule #3. Calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do … based on the inverse ratio of their age to yours.

    Daisy: I think I am at the stage of flirting with being serious … not quite there yet.

    Urban Panther: Like they say some people eat to live … I live to eat πŸ™‚

    mrsvierkant: You dont read these so you dont get a reply πŸ˜›

  10. Doraz says:

    I love this!
    Great post!
    You have quite the imagination!
    Will stop by more often, if ok with you!
    Happy 2009!

  11. Mr Geek says:

    Doraz: It is a shame you came, yet I failed to write more … I will honest πŸ™‚

    I hope 2009 is good to you too!

  12. Tony Single says:

    “Diet” is a dirty, four-letter word, so I have nothing to do with it. Mine is not a potty mouth! :p

  13. Mr Geek says:

    Tony: Welcome. I’m not sure I have actually had anything much to do with it either … but not for the sake of decency, more to do with a significant lack of willpower. We are currently in the process of booking our holiday, which I thought might cure the apathy, but being that I just started the day with a McD’s breakfast … I guess not 😦

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